I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
