guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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