Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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