It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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