I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
