So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
