I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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