it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he laminated a picture of his dick.
whose parrot is this?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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