Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
