I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
