This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
