So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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