He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
