If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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