Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
