The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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