We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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