so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
