Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
