So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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