the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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