So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
