and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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