i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
