i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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