You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
