gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
