Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
