i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
