He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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