Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
