I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
