I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
