I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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