And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dignity is for republicans.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
