I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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