I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
