I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
