there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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