that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
