Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
