i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
