you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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