totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
