Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
