I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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