So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
