theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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