I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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