If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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