You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
