I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
