Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize