Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
