If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Randomize
