Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
