i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
