Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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