Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
