I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
