Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
