Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
