I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he thought i was a dude.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
