She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
