I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
