I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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