I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
