Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
