dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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