i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
